I am impaired and I haven’t had a drop to drink

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I don’t know anybody who likes the sound of their voice. I didn’t realize for a long time that there was anything different about mine for a long time. I remember calling into a radio station when I was younger to make a request. The first thing the DJ said was “are you drunk?” When I said no his response was “yeah right” just before he hung up on me. I used to have a friend who worked at a church. I would call there pretty often and ask his secretary to put me through. One day when he answered I asked him why he was laughing. He said that when the secretary buzzed she said “it’s that drunk guy again.” When I was on the radio in college I always got lots of call ins. One morning, a guy called into the morning show, and said to my co hosts “it’s 6 AM, is that guy drunk from the night before? That guy has now been my friend for almost 15 years since that call. I didn’t realize at the time, but I probably got more than a few listeners because they truly wanted to know if I was wasted on air.

I do drink, but not often, I never have. To be honest, I have never really understood the concept of drinking for the purpose of getting drunk. My body is hard enough to deal with when I’m sober, I have no interest in  adding to my issues with too much alcohol. I’m sure there was a party or two that I had too much, luckily I don’t drive so everything turned out okay. Truth is, God gave me all of the deficits of being drunk with none of the enjoyment. I can’t stand or walk, my motor skills are impaired, and I slur my speech, especially when I’m tired. If that’s not absolute proof that God has a sense of humor, I don’t know what is. When I was in school I went to speech therapy voluntarily for three years because I wanted to become a better broadcaster. I wanted a clearer sound, and I wanted to be more understandable. The therapy improved my speech but people who don’t know me will still ask if I am drunk on the phone. Evie can always tell when I have had even a little to drink, I’m not sure how she does that. It must be really funny to listen to.

It doesn’t bother me. I’m a comedian so every time it happens it just gives me more material. My friends often joke that if I ever got drunk enough my motor skills might improve, and perhaps I could walk. I seriously doubt that will happen, but it’s a fun thought. I just hope if it turns out that I can walk, that someone gets it on video. I would really want to see that.

Do you think you have ever mistaken a handicapped person for someone who was wasted on the phone? You might be surprised.

Happy Friday everybody. Please give Evie a round of applause

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