Category Archives: Comedy

May I share this parking lot with you?

 

Evie does a fantastic job capturing my life in comics. This one may be my favorite of all of them because it is absolutely true.  Most handicapped parking spaces are easily large enough to accommodate a lift that either unfolds out of the side door, or comes from underneath the side door as mine does. The problem is a handicapped spot can be hard to come by, and if I do happen to find one, most people don’t park straight and end up taking up their spot and half of mine. I’m in a wheelchair and have to park it all the time. I almost never park straight, so I completely understand, I’m just saying,  it complicates things.

When we come out from someplace and someone has made it impossible for me to get back in the car,  Jane usually has to back out and we need the construction cones you see in the cartoon above to make sure that I don’t get run over while I’m trying to get back in the car. It keeps life interesting if nothing else.

I need to take a minute to say thank you to Evie for all that she does. I’ve always wanted my own comic strip or comic books(Because my life isn’t that interesting without out a little bit of embellishment).She makes it happen every time I ask and I cannot express to you what that is worth to me.  I have never met a more beautiful person.  I also want to thank all of you for reading. It is great fun to sit down and know that someone enjoys what I write.

Have a great week everybody

 

 

I should have been a doctor

My handwriting has never been good. I can put most doctors to shame. It makes sense if you think about it. I have a hard time holding a pen pencil, obviously using them well is asking a lot, I don’t write much in everyday life.Most of my work Is done using a computer so it doesn’t matter most of the timeButI have recently picked up a part-time job helping customers in a retail store, When other employees are busy. It’s pretty simple. I ask them how I can help and take down information until another employee can check them in. I quickly figured out that I needed Jane to take notes for me, because not only could other employees Not read my handwriting, but I couldn’t decipher anything I wrote

What really worries me Is that I know there are other people who have no physical issues whatsoever, who struggle with the same problem. That’s scary. I think doctors must take a class to learn how to write illegibly, Maybe I’m in the wrong profession. Think of it, a Dr. with shaky hands, slurred speech, and issues reading his own handwriting, That kind of sounds like half of the doctors around the world. I think I could pull it off.

 

Happy Saturday everybody

As always, Thanks to Evie For adding a bit of comic relief.

You didn’t really need those toes did you?

jj-toes

I have actually had people ask me what it feels like to have your toes run over. This is funny to me because I’ve never actually experienced it. I’ve had people stick their feet out and ask me to run over them. I’m not sure why but it has happened. My high school principal stuck his foot out more than once, and dared me to run over it, so I did. People either fear having their feet run over or they are curious about it. As a person in the wheelchair it’s not something that I set out to do ever, but it does occasionally happen. Especially in a crowd of people, I assume it hurts.

If that’s the case I have to think that the people who ask me to do it on purpose might be a little dense but then again, I never understood the TV show Jackass.  Much like being in your car on the road with people who are stupid, or texting or whatever, When I’m out in public there is always someone who isn’t paying attention and there is probably a segment of the wheelchair population who enjoys taking those people out. I never have but I’m not going to lie, I have been tempted. “oh I’m sorry I had a spasm and my hand slipped” you could probably make a game out of it. “Wheelchair bowling” Taking someone off their feet would be considered a strike. You can’t fix stupid but a little pain probably does motivate people to pay attention. Watch your toes people! Until someone invents a hover chair we all have to share the same space.

Have a great week everybody. As always thanks to Evie for bringing my world to life in comics.

Just because I can go barefoot everywhere it doesn’t mean I should

jj-noshoes As I sit here writing this I’m not wearing any shoes. Mainly because it feels good. I work from home so I can get away with that. It occurred to me the other day that because I’m in a wheelchair I really don’t have to wear shoes anywhere. Think about it. My feet never touch the floor so I don’t have to worry about germs or stickiness or walking barefoot on a painful surface like gravel.

At first blush this seems like a major perk of being a guy in wheelchair. The thing is, I’ve only done it once or twice that I can remember on purpose. The reason is simple I hate to admit it but I am fairly vain for a guy, The idea of being out in public with no shoes, and being seen by people who I would like to make a favorable impression on  is kind of terrifying. When I go out in public I’m always shocked at what people are willing to wear when they leave the house to go out into the world. You can’t go to a Walmart anywhere in the United States without seeing at least a few people that look like they just rolled out of bed. Wearing pajamas, messed up hair the whole nine. Sometimes I see someone like this and I wonder if they even bother to brush their teeth before they left the house. If you are one of these people I salute you. it takes real guts to be comfortable all the time and just not care how people are looking at you.

Knowing that these people are out there tells me that no one would look twice at me if I wasn’t wearing shoes but for some reason I have a mental hurdle about it. Every time I leave the house I think somewhere in the back of my mind that I may meet someone and be asked to become a model or the world’s next media darling. If this happens, I need to look good and not like I just rolled out of bed. Plus I figure my feet can’t really be that appealing to look at. I think I would constantly be paranoid that I missed some toe jam the last time I took a shower.

I never really understood the sign at some businesses that says “No shoes no shirt no service. Sometimes I see people wearing shirts with so many holes in them that the shirt might as well not be there , and the only person in danger of having a major hygiene issue is the person who is walking around on a dirty restaurant floor with no shoes. I  wonder what what happened if somebody walked into a business that displayed that sign wearing shoes and a shirt but no pants? I think pants would be absolutely necessary. No one needs to see that.

I can’t explain why I think about these things but if I’m going to think about these things, why not share them with you right? 🙂 as always thanks to Evie for bringing life to all the weirdness in my brain.

Have a great week everybody.

 

I don’t want to be an oompa loompa

jj-oompah-bw

 

I know it’s been a while and all I can say is that reality got in the way. This comic came from an actual conversation I had with my doctor at the age of 25. Because I don’t put a lot of weight on my bones, apparently they can get brittle and break just like in older persons. I never moved so fast to get to a test as I did when he told me that. The last thing I need this to get shorter. If I did get shorter you might as well call me an oompa loompa.

The comic above was hand-drawn by Evie. I’m truly blessed to work with such an amazing artist. She does other stuff also. Take a look if you have a chance right here

Learn to draw a quick and easy. Click the picture below to get started

Random-character

Sometimes I really need my own pit crew

jj-service

I mention quite often that these comics are true to life. I have in fact lost a wheel and I have had to wait to get repairs done. Sometimes this means pulling out an old chair that is way too small for me, to use  while I wait. Sometimes it means having someone come to my house because I have no choice. There’re actually people who specialize in working on wheelchairs. I never saw a degree plan for wheelchair mechanic when I was in school, but they do exist, and they are absolutely necessary.  The crazy thing about wheelchairs is that you can’t buy the parts off the shelf.  Like every thing that is related to medical, parts are crazy expensive. You can buy a  nice used car for what a basic motorized wheelchair costs. You would think I could at least get a seat warmer, or  some fuzzy dice  on an $8000  wheelchair. If I ever get my bionic legs I may actually be the $6 million Man. Do you guys think I’m cool enough to get a wheelchair endorsement deal? If Shaquille O’Neal can sell icy hot, I think I’m good-looking enough to represent a wheelchair company. I wonder if THAT would get me a seat warmer?

 

Lucky for me, I have someone around who can fix almost anything, Thanks again to Evie (a.k.a. MacGyver girl) for making me smile once again this week.

Have a great week folks

 

 

Not being able to stand occasionally has its perks

jj-crowda

If it is not obvious by now, I don’t stand a lot. If I do, it’s only with major assistance and it usually hurts. It’s always interesting to go to a church service or some other event where people are asked to either stand or go to their knees and pray. I can’t do either, if I ever got down on my knees it would literally take a crane to pick me up. When I am in an event like that, it’s the ultimate “look it me” moment, when every other person in the building is asked to stand. I am not opposed to look at me moments, I have this blog after all. That said, I often wonder what other people are thinking as they stand around me. If it’s a church service or graduation I imagine people think “man I would love to be him, how many more times are they going to ask us to stand?” At something like a rock concert the situation is similar to what you see in the comic. Most people just don’t care. Mostly because they are completely unaware that I’m sitting behind them. I can’t complain too much because I have had bad seats before and been pushed up to the front row because someone saw I was getting robbed, or at least perceived the situation that way. I’ve never had a cat standing on my head but I have been at a music event where I could see absolutely nothing. Then when I made it to the front row, I realized I hadn’t missed much.

I’m probably getting old, but front row is a really bad place to be at a concert, I loved it when I was a kid, but as I age I value my hearing. I think that’s mostly because I live with my dad who can’t hear anything and doesn’t realize it, I don’t want to be that. As I have gotten older I have learned to get the best available accessible seats, even if they are  a few bucks more. I would like to have great seats at a Dave Matthews band concert. It’s fun to watch those guys play, I’ve been twice and wasn’t close enough either time to even begin to see their faces. I also have to give them credit, both of their shows that I have seen were played outdoors and at a very reasonable volume.

As for getting down on my knees in a church service, I truly believe that God has a sense of humor. It has to be pretty funny to see you almost people on their knees or standing multiple times for long periods, and then there’s this kid just sitting there enjoying his seat having a peaceful enjoyable service. That’s irony folks.

 

Be honest. Have you ever considered renting a wheelchair for an event that you knew you would have to stand for a while? I will gladly rent mine out for the very reasonable rate of $150 an hour. Wheelchairs ain’t cheap folks. Your feet will thank you later.

Thanks again to Evie for showing so accurately exactly what it’s like to be me.

It takes work to be this pretty

jj-hygiene

As I get older I’m getting picky about my appearance. I want to be well-dressed, shaved, and look like I’m ready to take on the world. I like the idea that I could meet someone on the street and pitch them my next great business idea and have confidence that I don’t look like I just came from the gym and need a shower.

Appearance isn’t everything. In the United States today,  too much emphasis is put on appearance. That said, we’ve all heard that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. I have no interest in looking like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, but I do think it’s important to make an effort, especially in business. As the old saying goes” look good, feel good, play good. I’m going to tell you guys a little secret about Evie. She works from home and she has told me that before she starts work every morning, she puts on her shoes. When she told me that I didn’t really understand. I mean, if you work from home why wear shoes? Isn’t that one of the major perks of working from home? Then she told me that putting on her shoes puts her brain into work mode. You wouldn’t go to your office without shoes would you? Don’t answer that, some of you might.

With all of this in mind getting ready for the day is a little different for a guy with poor motor skills. My mom and sister both have long hair. My brother also did one point. He gives me a hard time on a very regular basis because I have a great head of hair but I keep it extremely short. Why? The answer is simple, if it is short, I don’t have to style it. no hair gel needed, most of time I don’t even have to use a comb. If I do choose to style my hair, someone in my life has to help me. It’s really nice not to have to ask someone to help me put my rockstar hair in a ponytail. Same applies with shaving. I can grow a great beard. I’m talking about a beard that would make a lumberjack jealous, and honestly it would be easier to let my beard grow then worry about shaving it, but if you’ve ever had one, you know they itch. Every time I grow a beard, I seriously start and wonder if I have fleas in there.

Obviously, a guy who has muscle spasms, whose body moves unpredictably, doesn’t need to be shaving with a razor. Every time I use one my dad has to help me. I really enjoy the feeling of a clean shave, but it’s just not practical to have him help me everyday. So I use an electric razor instead. It doesn’t do nearly as good of a job, and I still have to use a blade every so often to keep things under control. (yes I am in fact it werewolf).  All that said, it’s better then slitting my own throat.  At the barbershop where I get my haircut, we have a running joke that one day I’m going to bring a TV crew with me and get behind a chair and offer haircuts. With each customer I’d say something like ” I’m really sorry my hands are shaking, I forgot to take my meds this morning.” Or if I slip and make a mistake, don’t worry, one of the other barbers will fix it” if I really want to scare someone, I could bring out a straight razor and say “I only cut the last customer three times, this is great physical therapy for me” I don’t think I would last very long and that job.

What do you do to make getting ready in the morning easier on yourself?

Evie has nailed it again folks. Check out more of her art at http://singergirl.com/home/art/ 

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I am impaired and I haven’t had a drop to drink

jj-dui

I don’t know anybody who likes the sound of their voice. I didn’t realize for a long time that there was anything different about mine for a long time. I remember calling into a radio station when I was younger to make a request. The first thing the DJ said was “are you drunk?” When I said no his response was “yeah right” just before he hung up on me. I used to have a friend who worked at a church. I would call there pretty often and ask his secretary to put me through. One day when he answered I asked him why he was laughing. He said that when the secretary buzzed she said “it’s that drunk guy again.” When I was on the radio in college I always got lots of call ins. One morning, a guy called into the morning show, and said to my co hosts “it’s 6 AM, is that guy drunk from the night before? That guy has now been my friend for almost 15 years since that call. I didn’t realize at the time, but I probably got more than a few listeners because they truly wanted to know if I was wasted on air.

I do drink, but not often, I never have. To be honest, I have never really understood the concept of drinking for the purpose of getting drunk. My body is hard enough to deal with when I’m sober, I have no interest in  adding to my issues with too much alcohol. I’m sure there was a party or two that I had too much, luckily I don’t drive so everything turned out okay. Truth is, God gave me all of the deficits of being drunk with none of the enjoyment. I can’t stand or walk, my motor skills are impaired, and I slur my speech, especially when I’m tired. If that’s not absolute proof that God has a sense of humor, I don’t know what is. When I was in school I went to speech therapy voluntarily for three years because I wanted to become a better broadcaster. I wanted a clearer sound, and I wanted to be more understandable. The therapy improved my speech but people who don’t know me will still ask if I am drunk on the phone. Evie can always tell when I have had even a little to drink, I’m not sure how she does that. It must be really funny to listen to.

It doesn’t bother me. I’m a comedian so every time it happens it just gives me more material. My friends often joke that if I ever got drunk enough my motor skills might improve, and perhaps I could walk. I seriously doubt that will happen, but it’s a fun thought. I just hope if it turns out that I can walk, that someone gets it on video. I would really want to see that.

Do you think you have ever mistaken a handicapped person for someone who was wasted on the phone? You might be surprised.

Happy Friday everybody. Please give Evie a round of applause

My friends never ask me to help them move

jj-moving

People never ask a guy that can’t lift anything, and doesn’t drive to help them move. Some point I will have to move and I will probably feel guilty because I have to ask for help. Maybe I can just attach a wagon or a trailer to my chair and do it that way. The chair only does 4 and a half miles an hour. I hope I’m not moving very far, or that would take forever. Can you imagine a caravan of people in wheelchairs with wagons or trailers attached to them helping someone move? That would bring out the whole neighborhood to watch. It would be the slowest move-in history, but it would be entertaining.

Happy Friday everybody.

I wonder if Evie would help me move?