Category Archives: Comedy

I have two Little minions that love to ride on my chair

I recently took my two nieces to see the minions movie. I love the movies in the despicable me franchise, I’m not ashamed to admit it. If you really want to enjoy them you have to take kids. I’m so thankful for my two nieces every day. They have changed every aspect of my life. They even changed what I consider a dirty word.

I Love having my own minions. That said, it’s nice to send them home to their parents after I’ve had a little fun with them.

Will Jamie Jordan please stand up

I've been through med school I know more than you I just forgot to look at your chart
I’ve been through med school I know more than you I just forgot to look at your chart 

Thanks to http://agenesiscorpuscallosum.blogspot.com/2009/06/diagnosing-agenesis-corpus-callosum.html for the use of the image

 

I remember going to a doctor’s appointment when my doctor took a sick day and there was a fill-in working in his place. I roll into the doctor’s office in my wheelchair, and the doctor has my chart and all of my past information. The doctor decided that I need a cortisone shot. The doctor asked “We’re going to have to give you this cortisone shot in your hip. Can you stand up?” Ummm….no, I can’t stand up. Yeah, I’m lazy. I wanted to be able to ride the elevator without guilt. 

 

I’m probably being a little hard on this guy. After all he was just subbing in for my doctor. This guy had one crucial piece of information that a normal person I meet who ask me if I can walk. doesn’t have, He had my medical chart. I don’t even know how those things work, but I would think ‘has cerebral palsy ,does not walk” should be right at the top of the Jamie Jordan medical chart, don’t you? If it doesn’t have that information, somebody tell me what’s the point of a medical chart?

See you guys tomorrow

 

Amusement parks and Wheel chair envy

I love amusement parks. Really, I’m just a big kid. I love the rides, the food, I love it all. If you ever see me at an amusement park. I’ll be the guy riding the roller coaster with his hair on fire, and a huge smile on his face. Part of the reason I enjoy it so much, is that I rarely have to wait in line. To this day if my brother is going to an amusement park he calls me and begs me to go so he can get the good parking and not have to wait in line, did I mention we are in our 30s? yeah, we have no shame

I had moves…just not like Jagger

My whole life I grew up around music. In the 1980’s there was no satellite radio, no CDs. What we had were cassette tapes. Even at that age, I realized that music was going to be very important to me. There was just something about music that spoke to me. Even today, music is very much a mood elevator for me and takes me from being in a rotten mood to a not-so-rotten mood. My parents owned records like Dan Seals, George Straight, and other country records. One of the cassette tapes I had was Huey Lewis and the News. I remember listening to that cassette over and over and over again. I was about 6 years old. My Mom would put that cassette in the player and I would roll all over the floor. I couldn’t dance. Remember, the whole legs thing? I looked like I was trying to learn how to do a break-dance head spin and was really sucking at it. Those are some of my fondest childhood memories.

My musical education started on a school bus. Thanks to a man named Benny. He is largely responsible for the early years of my musical education. Here’s the story in my own words, because well…I’m to lazy to type.

I still love Michael to this day. So much so, that I’m thinking of getting a mask and letting my inner moonwalker out

Girls Worth losing a wheel over

When I was about 14 years old, I lived near a city pool. I would always go to this pool because there were girls there. I didn’t swim, obviously….guy in a wheelchair. I just went there to be around the girls. That sounds a lot worse than it was. It was a good way to hang out with girls, since there was little else to do in my neighborhood. And it was about the only way they were going to take off their clothes for me. Come on now…every 14 year old boy was thinking the same thing.

City Pool

Let’s get back to our story…

It was a fairly uneventful activity for me to go to the pool and then go home. But this particular day was different.

Something didn’t seem quite right with my chair-mobile that day. It was making some strange noises. Of course, like most drivers I just kept driving anyway, hoping that the noises were just normal “chair noises”.

Look Cool Chair

Luckily, I got to hang out with the lifeguard and the girls and have my daily dose of socialization mixed with hormonally driven girl-watching.

On the way back home, the chair was still making the funny noise…

And then the wheel fell off.

This was in the 90’s. I didn’t carry a cellphone in that decade. As far as I know, there is no roadside assistance or “on-star” for people in wheelchairs. Someone should really look into that.

Luckily, when the wheel came off, the chair landed in such a way that I was still sitting up, but my wheel was gone.

Think of every redneck show you’ve ever seen that has cars in the yard with no wheels, and that’s what I looked like. At least that’s what I felt like. Suddenly, I hoped the girls I came to look at would not be looking at me. I couldn’t bend down to get the wheel, because if I did the chair would tip over and I would be on the ground…in the parking lot. A crippled guy laying on the July Texas asphalt burning to death while girls in bikinis watched. No, I think I’ll just sit here, thanks.

People thought I was just chilling out in the parking lot, and were waving as they drove by, as if nothing was wrong. I know what you’re thinking…didn’t they notice my peril? Maybe Jamie’s happy-face is really similar to his “OMG my wheel fell off face”?

Is this part of his condition? Maybe Jamie’s “hello” wave is really similar to a frantic “please help me I’m dying” wave? How could this be? Maybe we should make one of those facial-expression emotion charts and tape it to his wheelchair?

Faces

There’s a good reason why people thought I was just chilling, and it’s none of the things you were probably thinking.

I was sort of smiling…happily. And I was hoping no one would notice the missing wheel.

You see, I didn’t want anyone to tell my parents about my wheel problem in a distraught way. I needed someone who could relay the message as if it was no biggie. Because if they sensed that my coming to the pool to look at girls was dangerous, well… I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore! So, to continue my evil summer plan to hang out with naked girls, I had to break this wheel thing to my parents in the best way possible. So I smiled and waved to unknown passerby and acted as if nothing was wrong.

Nothings Wrong

Eventually a friend from the neighborhood came by that knew me and came close enough for me to point out my situation quietly and I finally got some help with my wheel. Overall, it was great day.

There are a few things you could take from this situation. One is that like most everything else in life, wheelchairs are unpredictable. And stuff just happens. And they don’t make ‘em like they used to.

The second thing you should take from this story, and it’s a point that I’ve made in this book before; Wheelchair or not, I’m just a guy. And my thoughts were about the same as any other boy’s at 14 years old.

Comedy Night at Lauren’s

I love to speak whether it be Stand up comedy or motivating kids. I don’t get to perform nearly as often as I would like but thanks to the virtual world of Second Life I can perform every Tuesday at a place called Lauren’s for people from allover the world. Ain’t technology grand.