I don’t really have daily stress like most people. I have lived most of my life not sweating the small stuff. Clothes, hair, work, any aspect of my personal life I don’t worry about because whatever happens, I’m going to be fine.
Where I struggle is worrying about other people. Specifically those close to me. One of my favorite TV shows is The Blacklist on NBC. Mostly because of the main character Raymond Reddington, played by one of my favorite actors, James Spader.
Raymond is known as the concierge of crime. Basically, If you are a criminal with a Problem Raymond has the resources and connections to make your problems go away.
Raymond is this flamboyant man in a fedora who has all the answers. if he doesn’t have the answers, he will find someone who does. This is how I have seen myself for most of my life. I get crazy satisfaction out of solving people’s problems.
I don’t really like to admit this but there are many aspects of my life that I can’t control. I don’t decide when I go to bed at night or when I get up in the morning. I can’t get up at 3 a.m. to go to the restroom without waking someone else up for help. Simple things that most people take for granted every day. I deal with this frustration by trying to help someone every day. it may be a kind word, a few bucks, or a gift they didn’t expect. I’m always doing something for somebody because that’s how I cope.
I have wanted to be the Raymond Reddington character my whole life, (Not the criminal obviously) but a man with unlimited resources who could go anywhere at any time with the ability to solve any problem. As early as 14 I thought I was going to be famous, with the ability to write my own ticket and help whoever I pleased.
I’m 42, and while I’m more famous than most people, thanks to a podcast and an attention-seeking personality, I’m not really where I had hoped to be at this point in my life. I’m okay with it most days. My life is good, I have a great family and I’m blessed In ways that most people can only dream of.
That said, In the last few months I have watched friends and people who are close to me struggle in life and I haven’t been able to help. I want to get on the private jet I’m supposed to have and go save the day. Not being able to is really hard for me to handle. I feel powerless. That is not something I’m accustomed to feeling. It’s not a good feeling.
I’m writing this today because I know many of you have felt this feeling. Especially over the last year, and I want you to know you are not alone. The prayers that I pray each day have become more important than they were just a few years ago. I hate being powerless, not having the answers, not being able to solve the problem. I keep from going crazy because I understand that someone bigger than me, who is watching me go through what I’m going through is in charge and wants the best for me. All I have to do is hang on and do my best to help those that I want to help in small ways Until I can do more…
No matter how Vigilant you are, technology tends to break down and when it does, I realize how much I rely on it. It gets me out of bed, into the bathroom, the shower. Basically anytime I’m outside the chair a lift probably got me there. When I don’t have that technology it’s hard for me to move and puts a strain on people who don’t need to be lifting a fully grown man.
